By
Mark Sanders and Donald Gunther
In this post Mark Sanders, a licensed therapist and Donald Gunther a certified CCAR Recovery Coach discuss lessons learned and tips as it pertains to providing recovery related services for African American women as African American men.
Introduction
A well-known trainer spent years traveling from state to state saying that men were incapable of counseling women and girls. While men in all 50 states were counseling women and girls. The trainers’ statement was inconsistent with the research which says that helping professionals who strive for gender competence can do a good job of serving men and women, although few if any attain full competence.
Our experience working with African American women is that the helping relationship serves as a microcosm of the current and historical relationship between Black men and women in the broader society. Some African American women have had positive relationships with African American men which might make engagement in the helping relationship relatively easy. Like women of all cultures, African American women also have high rates of trauma which triggered their addiction. In many instances (not always!), the perpetrator(s) were African American men. The trauma can include incest, childhood sexual abuse, sexual assault, domestic violence, father desertion etc. These issues can lead to mistrust and fear when their therapist or recovery coach is an African American male. The good news is that a solid helping relationship can be a corrective experience.
We as African American men can also bring interface issues to our work with African American women. Beginning with our mothers, other adult care takers, female siblings, spouses, and partners this experience can affect our work with African American women as clients, positively and negatively. When our negative experiences impact our work with African American women, these countertransference reactions are actually a gift because they are a reminder of the work, we still need to do to help assure that our negative experiences don't negatively impact our relationship with African American women served.
Mark's Experience
The first time I counseled an African American woman was when I was a graduate school intern in 1983. She told me that she paid for her drug of choice cocaine, by dancing. I thought our session went well and the next day she told my supervisor that she did not want to work with me. She was my first client, and I was convinced that my career was over before it started!
My supervisor talked with the client about the importance of closure and suggested one more session with me, client choice. The client agreed to another session. Prior to the session my supervisor told me that there are some things women have done to support their addiction which they are uncomfortable talking with men about, but they might offer hints to explore nonjudgmentally. My supervisor encouraged me to explore what the client meant by supporting her drug use by dancing. In hindsight, if I were the supervisor, I am unsure if I would have suggested one more session, but it worked out and taught me a great deal.
When I explored the client supporting her drug of choice through dancing the client said, she danced topless in order to buy cocaine. I received this disclosure nonjudgmentally and the next day the client told my supervisor, I can work with him. I still had a career! This experience taught me to listen with a third ear, for what's not being said, listen for hints, ask questions, and respond nonjudgmentally.
My next experience counseling African American women was in the mid-1980's when the majority of the clients in treatment were males. Consistently the few women in treatment would either sit close to the therapist or close to the door in groups. They didn't feel safe. I did research and learned that the majority of women with substance use disorders across cultures were either sexually abused as girls or sexually assaulted as women. This knowledge shaped my work with African American women for the next 3 decades. I have continued to learn with the clients being my teacher. These are the lessons I learned. Feel free to use what works for you.
Listen more than I talk. Listening builds rapport!
Move at the client’s pace.
Try not to be shocked by any disclosure. The good news is that after 4 decades few disclosures shock me.
If I find myself being judgmental, talk myself out of it.
If there is mistrust, be willing to discuss her experiences with African American men outside of therapy.
Have impeccable boundaries.
Sit at a 45-degree angle during sessions. Trauma can make it difficult to hold eye contact. Sitting at an angle provides the opportunity for the clients to hold eye contact or not.
No unwelcome touch.
Search for strengths and offer affirmations.
Do what you say you're going to do when you say you're going to do it! Many of the African American women I have worked with were deserted by their father. Consistency can provide a corrective experience.
Donald's Perspective
African American women seeking recovery face a number of challenges. Starting with the underlying traumas that they endured. As we discussed on many occasions with you being an African American counselor and I as an African American certified peer specialist-mental health and a CCAR recovery coach facilitator our life experiences can help with the recovery process if we are able to establish a trusting helping relationship. Ironically, in 1983 when you thought your first session with an African American woman went well only to hear that your client informed your supervisor that your services were no longer wanted, and your response was “She was my first client, and I was convinced that my career was over before it started!”. That same year 1983 my relationships with the African American women in my life were tumultuous to say the least. My feelings were being emotionally arrested by one cognitive distortion after another. It was your professional experience with your client and my personal experience with my female friends, mother and five sisters that served as learning experiences for us. Hindsight your perception was your career was over and my perception was that I cannot emotionally connect with African American women due to the lack of trustworthy relationships that I was having with African American women in my life. Most importantly the ones closest to me. Everything happened for a reason and in time our past experiences would lead us to our destination to be therapeutic change agents.
In retrospect you were knowledgeable about feelings and behaviors as new counselor (CEU’s) continued educational units would empower you to be hopeful. On the other hand, I was totally in another space because those relationships made me feel hopeless. Now, as a recovery coach and peer specialist-mental health I can value the importance of Unconditional Positive Regard without judgment. My (CEU’s) compassion, empathy and understanding did not happen until I educated myself about Person Centered Therapy, Maslow Hierarchy and Motivational Interviewing. This would be my protein in terms of gaining knowledge about counseling, coaching and peer support.
Five decades into my life my next is now! Recovery is progress, not perfection! This knowledge has helped me as a Certified Addiction Counselor in training, a Certified Connecticut Community for Addiction Recovery Coach and a Georgia Certified Peer Specialist Mental Health. I am also a student, brother, uncle, husband, father, and peer. The emotional intelligence that women, especially the African American women in treatment has displayed towards me has taught me forgiveness and acceptance. In fact, my learned behavior was hearing my dad say to me “Treat a woman like you want your mother to be treated and actions speaks louder than words.” This remains to be my foundation along with UPR without judgement (Unconditional Positive Regard).
The ten lessons you have learned as av therapist working with African American women were lessons that were priceless for me as well. As a CCAR Recovery Coach, the principles or three legs we stand on are 1) listen actively; 2) manage our own stuff; 3) ask good questions helped me build good relationships with African American women seeking recovery. I have learned that boundaries are essential physically, emotionally, and mentally placed in order to protect the participants in treatment as well as the counselor, peer specialist and recovery coaches. The beginning of this professional relationship can be uncomfortable, however the connection once a rapport / trust has been established can play a role in life transformation. THE communication should be authentic, transparent and safe as many African American women report histories of trauma with male perpetrators. When boundaries are unhealthy and safety has not been established, African American woman can re-traumatized in helping relationships.
This work has given me an appreciation of the depth of the current and historical trauma women bring to treatment. My Mom and my five sisters I carry with me every day because it was my dad’s voice saying treat every woman like you want your mother and your sisters treated meaning it is not about your feelings, Donald!
Ironically, it was my father’s alcohol use disorder that has empowered me to passionately become a messenger with a message about a mess that does not belong to me. So, dad thank you for teaching me Harm Reduction. Most importantly being able to recognize, identify and appreciate that I come from a diamond. So, I would like to say that being an African American man who is a recovery coach and peer specialist with African American women provides us opportunity to work through some of our past traumas. Personally, this becomes a teachable moment to collaboratively engage, educate and help to empower African American woman. Recovery requires respect, repetition, reciprocity, relationships, and a re-connection with their true self. The recovery coaching process can help increase a positive sense of self and play a role in a recovery process that is imperfect and priceless like a diamond so that they can have their own recovery (jewelry) box.
Diamonds come from pressure, Recovery is Imperfect, Priceless and Valuable!